Hilarity did not ensue.

Oh sweet lord, thank you, Deadspin, for this:

Massachusetts U-7 Girls Soccer Coach Resigns Over Hilarious, Possibly Insane, Email:

This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. ... We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don't need to talk to me. ...

America's youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as "bad". I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. ...

Who's with me? Go Green Death!