A Superlative Twitter Day

ME: What’s your favorite book?

BIZ: I loved Sherlock Holmes when I was a kid.

ME: But you’ve helped destroy mystery.

sǝʌoɯ ʇı ʇǝʎ puɐ

Best Lines of Late in Correspondence

"So I don't get to hear from my dear high school friend for years, then am excited to find her on the face book contraption, then all I get is a picture of a scary rug? What is the world coming to?

In other words, how are you doing?

... I dream of starting my own blueberry farm. I am much calmer, happier and more clear sighted than when I was in high school, but still a dreamer. Also, you probably noticed, I changed my last name for that of a high desert plant.

I hope this note finds you in good spirit. It would be great to hear some about the adult you; I miss communicating with you. Do you have a snail mail address?"

I've missed this girl.

Best Inflatable Doll Ever Award

300 colones ($0.60) at the Tres Rios farmers' market. There was also a yellow one on a scooter.

A superlative post script, there.

"St. Maria's School for the Grumpy Deaf"? Cute.

A superlative example sentence at the end, there.

Palabra del día:

mamarrachada f fam
1 (comportamiento) bad behaviour
2 (dicho absurdo) stupid story: déjate de mamarrachadas y ponte a estudiar, stop being so stupid and get down to your studies
3 (cosa mal hecha) botch up: esa obra de teatro era una mamarrachada, they really botched up that theatre play

mamarracho mf buffoon, clown: no sé cómo pudiste enamorarte de semejante mamarracho, how could you fall in love with such an idiot?

Best of, Round II

A continued tribute to the strangest things people have bothered to send to the paper over the last few months:

(You are seeing the entirety of this facsimile transmission.)

George sends us many, many letters, all of them faxed, most hand-written. Often they're letters to the editor (and actually, more well written and relevant than most), but this time, he sent us a poem. He called me the next day to say that he'd reconsidered and didn't want us to run the poem because "it might be libelous in some way."

Irene also writes frequently, usually to say she likes the articles of one particular freelancer, who also happens to be her friend. She also mentions every time that she's 105, and once sent us a newspaper article the local paper recently did on her. Then, this time, she sent us a letter on this stationery, which her son had made her. I think I'm just tickled that a 105 year old can take as much delight in herself and her birthday as a five year old does.

First Name: Janez, Slovenia, Europe
Day Phone: 00386 00386
City: Slovenia
Country: Slovenia

Comments: I am Janez P., from Slovenia, Europe and I am interested in
buying classic cars. Can you please tell me the title of a magazin or a
website, where you can buy classic cars.
Thank you for your help.
Yours sincerely,
Janez

What possesses a person in Georgia read about a canceled arts festival in a tiny town on the Caribbean, sense the "extreme danger" such a move represents, write a postcard in which you equate the "cowering officials" with Marxists and then mail it? Lighten up, Francis.

I hope she took the lace umbrella to the Roller Derby.

Miss Peggy, was many will remember, was always armed with a lace umbrella at the ready for the blazing tropical sun or the unfortunate soul who vexed her. ... She chose Costa Rica because of the rich Tico pura vida Central American fermentation she loved so well. ... Many of Peggy's friends here may not realize she was quite famous in her other lives. She was known for a time as "Peggy, Queen of the Roller Derby" during the war years.

Remember the obsessive, fasting filmmaker from last time? IT'S COMING TO FRUITION.

This is why it's ok to use a smile sometimes to get information from Latin American bureaucracies:

In a recent study by free-press experts, state ministries and agencies were quizzed on what they do to provide public information – such as budgets, salaries, contract details, administrative procedures, etc. – to the press and the public. "We had to pursue them and call and ask if they received it and resend the questionnaire. Even then we got a response of less than 50 percent of the institutions," said Carolina Carazo, who headed the study.

This was from a Perspective column on ways to "greenify" your life:
#7 This list can go on for miles. You get the idea. Almost nothing is exempt. How big if your list of what you can do? Mine is pleasingly large, pro-active and enjoyable.

They learn so young:

It's not like you need to go to Africa and stare deeply into the eyes of suffering children to know that something's wrong with this world.

Annelise, in her Young Writer's column urging people to shop with reusable bags

We need to expand our readership:

Nobody at Lake Arenal has done anything that I can report on this week - not that a few people haven't been doing things they haven't seen fit to tell me about - but the animals have been interesting. A thrashing of branches in an avocado tree proved to be the wild attempts of a frenzied squirrel trying to avoid the attacks of a clay-colored robin. Several times the squirrel came to the ends of branches as it tried to evade the swift assaults of the robin. Finally, it darted past the bird toward the trunk of the tree and fled through a series of interconnected trees. The attacker may have been the robin who has a nest in a bougainvillea bush beside our porch.

These next two are courtesy of the Public Security Ministry.

Best Shirt by Any Arrested Person

Thankfully, through the seizure of these 121 crack pellets and 16 bills worth not more than $42, the ministry was able to recoup the money they wasted in wages used to pay someone to arrange this:

Bravo to the local animal shelter, which found a way to make cute animals positively terrifying:

INANE LETTER OF THE QUARTER

On Fri, Jan 16, 2009 at 11:31 AM, Letters wrote:

Dear Gene,

Thank you for the below letter, however it exceeds our 500-word limit. Would you be interested in trimming it to that length and then resubmitting it for consideration?

Best,

Holly

On Fri, Jan 16, 2009 at 1:14 PM, GENE wrote:

Thanks Holly but I do not know what constitutes a "word" on your end of the line. Spaces? Punctuation? numbers? or simply words? Let me know and I'll see what I can do.

Gene

The Sweetest Diabetic Sister

Today is my sister's five-year anniversary of being diagnosed with diabetes.

A few days before Christmas 2003 on a trip home from Boise, the brothers were teasing her mercilessly about having to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes. But an astute Dad took note, looked up the symptoms when they got home, realized they matched diabetes, and took her in to the hospital. She was diagnosed with Type I diabetes and spent the next three days in the hospital, with a new tally of how many times she'd been 'pricked' each time we came to visit her. She stopped counting somewhere around 100.

In the car home after she was discharged on Christmas Eve Day, she, then 9, asked us nervously, "You didn't decorate the tree without me, did you?" To which we, her three incorrigible older siblings replied, "Oh, sorry, we thought kids with diabetes didn't like to decorate Christmas trees." True story.

We had, in fact, waited for her to come home to put up the ornaments. But those jests were a sliver of what was to come in terms of the ordeal she's had to put up with since then. She has to account for every carbohydrate in every meal and snack and morsel of a bite every day. And she does this, not out of some ill-advised fad diet, but because her body can't regulate what ours do involuntarily. She has to keep her feet warm and dry, has a higher risk for heart & kidney disease, and, oh, also has to watch out for blindness, among other things.

I had a heart condition when I was her age, for which I had to give up lots of things, notably swimming lessons, because laps (specifically starting to run out of breath while underwater) would make my heart rate jump from 80 to 180 bpm. (I blame this for the reason I still swim like a frog.) At one point, I was taking medication four times a day. One time in middle school while sledding with friends, after flying off the saucer and faceplanting in the snow (underwater with no breath = in snow with no breath, apparently), my heart went off and I had to excuse myself while I went and discreetly stuck my head in the snow repeatedly to try and get my heart rate back down. Because moving, paralyzing shyness, acne and MIDDLE SCHOOL weren't traumatic enough on their own, but thankfully I had a medical condition that occasionally turned me into a brumal ostrich.

But those were extremes, and at 13, they fixed me enough to go off medication, and cured me fully at 17. Em, on the other hand, will have this for her whole life, barring some monumental medical breakthrough.

I often say that Em is one of the most well-adjusted people I know, besides being 14, moving from the only town she's ever lived in this summer and having this medical ball and chain. She handles this disease well. And I don't mean this in the way people will insultingly say "You'd never know Sheila has cancer," where they're really just glad Sheila isn't burdening them with the gravity of her illness. Em is not shy about having diabetes and is openly frustrated when she either over or underestimated the carbs in a certain food and now her insulin levels are either too low or high. She also will readily introduce you to her insulin pump, Gloria. (Her first pump, Todd – named after the dog I will have one day – passed away last year.) The kid might not have insulin, but she's got more heart and strength of character and beautiful flaxen hair than the lot of us, and she deserves some recognition.

Here is her Sweetest Diabetic Sister in the World playlist:
"I Want Candy," The Strangeloves
"Sugar and Spice," The Cryan Shames
"Falling Sugar," The Palace Guard
"Sweet Young Thing," The Chocolate Watchband
"Ready Steady," The Sugarettes
"Sweet Lady," What Made Milwaukee Famous
"Dulce Compañía," Julieta Venegas
"You Want the Candy," The Raveonettes
"Sugarcube," Yo La Tengo
"Angry Candy" and "Sugarless," Autolux
"Sugar Man," Rodriguez
"You're So Sweet," Neil Diamond
"Sweet Darlin'" She & Him
"Sipping on the Sweet Nectar," Jens Lekman
"Sweet Thing," Van Morrison
"Oh! Sweet Nuthin'" The Velvet Underground

Best of

Some of the better nuggets from the paper over the last few weeks, i.e. the things I keep laughing about, but know everyone will get really annoyed if I interrupt them again with these:

A Florida filmmaker on the phone with me, telling me why we should do a story on his film project that obviously was so inspired:
"I was fasting for 30 days in the jungle. … I'm very obsessive. … When I do something, it's on a grand scale. I was seeking a grand story, and I found this."

It gets better. This was the ad he eventually placed:
"Husband and wife are actors, writers, directors, and also compose all musical score. The film is 2 people, one sailboat, 2 person production crew. We have a complete marketing plan and promotional strategy for this very controversial film with experienced filmmaking background. This is not a vanity project we have devoted our lives to creating a film that will transform the soul and spirit of mankind."

A related testimonial from a restaurant ad:
'We felt transported to Thailand and India ... the sounds, the sights, the smells, the tastes. The food was heavenly, the waiters divine. And we were uplifted, sensually and spiritually."
-a customer from San Francisco, claro.

First there was a workshop on masculinity. Then, there was one on the "Empowerment of Our Sensual Feminity." Then, we got this:
Workshop ACERCÀNDONOS AL CUERPO con esencias florales
Or, a workshop on approaching/familiarizing ourselves with the body with floral essences, emphasis theirs.

There was also a quarter-page color ad ($400) placed this week advertising under the banner of "Arriving September 12!" a self-professed handsome middle age guy who's just looking for some nice marriage-minded lady. I would've called, but you know, I've never been one for long walks on the beach.

One sports bar boasts every week in their ad of their "Pool and Foolball Table," and once for their "Foolsball" table.
And every week I, sadly, have to correct them.

So do the gastronomic security Luddites exist, too?
"With this initiative, Costa Rica puts itself with the avant-garde in Latin America in efforts toward food safety in the gastronomic industry," states a press release.

The humans are included! From a classified real estate ad:
Includes caretakers' cottage with caretaker couple.

Just because it's Liechtenstein
The cooperative hopes to receive funding for the $250,000 project through loans from partners in Liechtenstein.

Be SO THANKFUL FOR COPYEDITORS who are there to put in that critical comma in sentences like this one:
Frank, a Costa Rican visitor for 30 years, built the church, which he then dedicated to his late wife Mary, who passed away four years ago in honor of their mutual love for this country.

Other good lines from various articles:
“He’s delightful and impressive,” Jill says. “He has deep, deep values. You don’t often see that in a good capitalist.”

"A golf course is a sin. No matter what it is, it doesn't make sense. It's not sustainable development," Amit said.

The company said it was the work of the zealous, anti-pineapple protestors.

The Most Sublime State

you took the car
it was my favorite one
little white dart
and drove it to idaho
-lp

i might even wind up in idaho
and visit a cute little miss
a sweet little someone i used to know
and i might even stop long enough for a kiss
-mr

was a five-band bill, two-dollar show
saw the van out in front from idaho
and the girl passed out in the backseat trash
and there were no way they'd make even a half a tank of gas
-gw